A White Trash Story
So. May is over. And I’ve been social network free.
(I know my twitter is still active. But you cant delete and come back to it like facebook)
My findings? A whole lot.
I barely talk to anyone anymore. I have a handful of people I still text, and who text me. And at first, it was a bit rough. I felt anti-social and left out. But I felt a change in my viewpoint.
I realized a lot of depression or lost came from me browsing facebook and seeing other people having more fun than i was, and then that would make me sad or jealous.
But now I don’t notice any of that. I do my own thing here at home, and have a blast. Call it ignorance, but it really helps me find what I really enjoy. Because if I do things to impress people, I’m shit outta luck out here because theres no one to impress.
for me it’s just vanity. I want to look my best possible online to impress people I barely know. But friendships based off of online appearances only last for so long.
My wish is to become a person who is interesting or kind enough that people would want to seek out my company. Not simply check out my profile. Give me a call instead, come by my house. Is it so hard?
Social media bastardizes social interaction. I’m seeing that evidently already. People think you’ve started to hate them if you havent talked to them in a week, when in my parent’s generation, they’ll get a call from people they haven’t spoke to in years and it’s like nothing ever happened. But once I haven’t talked to someone on facebook, it’s like i didn’t exist. And I saw this happen when I would visit people in Lincoln or Omaha.
When it comes down to what you post online, the question you have to ask yourself is:
Who gives a crap?
Why post a picture of your new car to facebook? to show off? what’s the point.
I browsed twitter a bit today. And I just did. not. care. about anything, Twitter used to be so fun, but I don’t see the point.
So what will change from now til school?
1. I’ll be more awesome…. duh
2. I’ll have more stories to tell people when we hang out, instead of hearing them online
3. I’ll be more mysterious to new people
And what if i stay off during school?
1. I’ll have to get numbers from people to stay in touch
2. Class/work/fraternity/Cru business will have to be handled differently
3. I’ll have to meet people out-line
4. And keep meeting those people in the places we’ve met. (Class, Cru, ETC)
So that’s May. This summer is dragging on. But I enjoy it. Get up for work at 7. Work til it’s done. eat. Go to johns, come back, sleep. Drink in-between. It’s been a good summer.
With friends, it’s about quality, not quantity.
(and yeah, I know this is technically social networking, But i doubt anyone knows I exist anymore)
What are you doing with your life?
Sitting in at the bar with some brothers, and we got to talking. Why does money have to control so many things?
and not in a “i want this, i need this” way, but more of a grander scale. We need money to pay for health, car, home insurance, food, clothing, essential needs.
We wondered if even half of the people studying what they are studying are doing it because they WANT to do that with their life, or because they are good at it/will make money at it.
And there are two sides to this if you ask me.
Someone once told me that we prioritize our life in three ways.
a. Where you are
b. Who you’re with
c. What you’re doing
for me its in this order
1. Who I’m with
2. What I’m doing
3. Where I am.
I’m studying for fun, and to make friends have have a good time. thats why I’m in college.
But there are some people who are here studying engineering or medicine just so they can be rich. Have a big house, nice car, trophy wife, and golf on the weekends. That’s why they want to make money. Which isn’t wrong, I just don’t agree with it.
1. What they’re doing
2. Where they are
3. Who they’re with
I talked to a friend of mine, and she wants to live in Hawaii. She doesn’t care what she’s doing or about anything. She just wants to be by the ocean and the beach, and enjoy life.
1. Where she is
2. Who she’s with
3. What she’s doing
People have different priorities.
and for me, i do want to make money. I want to make a lot of money.
But it’s because i want to pay for my kid’s college, have enough so my wife doesn’t have to work. enough so my kids don’t have to work a full time job, and not enjoy college. I want to be able to afford to life a lifestyle without monetary struggle, so my kids can grow up the way i want them to, not the way they would be forced to if money was tight.
and that still fits in my original priorities. Family is the most important thing to me under my walk with God. but they really go hand in hand.
But because of that fact, I’m okay with not doing something I love. I don’t care if I love my job, because i have priorities above my own. This life is short anyway. There are greater things waiting
So what am I doing with my life? what am i doing here at college?
I’m majoring in Pre-farming, with a minor in Family, and an emphasis in Jesus.
Futures.
School, Pi Kapp, Statistics, Music, Futures. There has never been a point in my life where I have been more fed up with school than there is now.
My Statistics class is important enough that if I don’t pass it, I won’t be allowed to register for classes next semester. And I’m failing. I have around a 40% in the class.
And I’m already on academic probation with my fraternity. so if i can’t pull a 2.7 or above before the semester is over, I’m up for expulsion from the house.
Which, right now, wouldn’t be that bad. Pi Kapp is fun, I like most of the guys, but I feel as if I just don’t fit in. I’m not a stereotype. I drank heavily for awhile, and fit in, and then once I stopped, it just wasn’t as fun. Living on campus is nice, and having people to hang out with is fun too, but I feel that I’m not really supposed to be here.
Every idea I have for the fraternity falls on deaf ears, every bit of what i believe to be wisdom is shot down as folly. I don’t like how we treat women, I don’t like how we act anymore, I don’t like what this house has become. I’ve made some good friends. Ones I don’t think would leave me because I wasn’t in a greek house.
It’s not that I WANT to leave, but mental stability and sanity is more important to me than grades and a lot else. So if living up to the ill-fated standards of a Greek community is going to wear down on my brain, then what’s the point?
School. I’ve always hated school. I have four priorities in my life. Jesus, Family, Friends, and Music. School isn’t in those categories. If I don’t have a career in music (which im not expecting to), then I’ll farm. I’m content with that. So then why am I at school? I hate my major, I’ve hated every major I’ve been in. I learn what I want to learn, and nothing else. Why am I here?
Mostly because back home is so void of people my age, that I’m worried I won’t find the right woman. But I have to let God take control of that.
All I want to do with my life is raise a family the way I was raised, and love them. That’s all I want to do when it boils down to it. Where’s that major in school?
A night of delusion and grandeur. Brought to you by the estranged and confused
Interesting nights have abounded recently. Mostly because the semester has started back up in full swing, and so have socials.
And I think I have finally realized why God placed me in the Greek system. He allowed me to be irrational last semester without any complication. I know he allowed me to, because I did. And there were no MIP’s, DUI’s, or any real problems. I had a good time.
And now, i’m seeing it all in perspective. the same thing happened to me in high school. I let it go, and then when i was done, i was able to see clearly. But i could see without being hypocritical because i experienced it, i’ve been there. So now, I know.
And now i feel an air of responsibility towards my brothers and the girls we interact with. I sober drive often, and I really don’t mind. I had a pretty good night at the last social staying sober and driving people around. But there were some crazy things that happened that I need to address as the Standards Board chairman, and as a brother in the house.
Things are about to get interesting.
This semester will be a trial, and one of which I am deserving.
Take note of the way you first meet someone
Crossroads.
This year has been full of them.
Do I live at home this summer, work an honest job, make honest money, keep an honest schedule, and thank the Lord for my family and upbringing and blessings as I experience them?
Or live in Lincoln/Internship and try to invest in my future, a future that might not be what i want it to be. I’m not a huge fan of broadcasting. It’s mundane and arbitrary.
either way, I’m expending all my free time with music. Because I want that to be my real future.
I’m also at a social crossroads. For the first time, I’m okay with being single. For the first time since I came to Lincoln, I feel comfortable, and feel like I have real friends. I also feel like I’m starting to be recognized in the Greek community.
But I also feel like i’ve been sucked in too hard to that community, which is good and bad. I see the campus differently, but the greeks make it feel smaller, which is a blessing. But now being 21, the socials and parties just feel… depressing.
So much delusion with the people there. They aren’t really having fun. Everyone who is just trying to hook up is setting themselves up for more pain later on. Meaningful relationships don’t start with alcohol.
Take note of the way you first meet someone. If it’s at a party, they’re there for a reason. If it’s at church, they’re there for a reason too. Same goes for anywhere. But it says a lot about a persons character if they’re looking for love in all the wrong places.
(see what I did there?)
After this ski trip, I realized that I miss real conversation. That’s all we did in Wayne; talk. Good or bad, we did a lot of it.
As i said before, I’m okay with being single, but it doesn’t mean I’m not looking. Waiting is more like it.
But this trip had me gain a lot more respect for some girls that I would have usually pigeon holed due to their Greek affiliation, the same way people most likely do to me. And i now see that I should view sorority girls differently.
Re-inventing Fraternity Life.
SO this last weekend was definitive. It was the ski trip, my first as a Pi Kapp.
And it was cumulative of every experience I have had this semester. But it was everything in 4 days.
This is how i structured my weekend. The first day of skiing, I was going to act out of everything. Ski where I wanted with who I wanted, hang out with who I wanted, and DO what ever I wanted. I saw it as a social experiment.
Drink, smoke, whatever came, i let it come. Let loose a bit, act like a frat boy.
Then when I woke up the next morning, I decided to act like I should. Like I was raised. Like I have been acting.
I was responsible and collected. I went with a group of skiers who were beginners, and helped them along the way. Took it slow, and took my time. I kept sober later that night.
This was the first time I had really had a conversation with sorority girls. All of the other guys were in the other condo raging, and i decided to stay back from that and hang in the other room. We played games, talked, and shot the breeze. I thought I made a couple friends. I then helped them clean up their kitchen and rooms, and went back to my condo, and walked a semi-drunk girl back to her condo, and then went to sleep (or at least tried to)
And after experiencing both nights, I preferred the latter.
This semester has been a big breaking out for me, and I am realizing that I have it out of my system. I still enjoy downtown, and going out, but I feel nothing but the burden of responsibility when I am around my brothers and friends at socials or parties.
And I don’t believe that’s a bad thing. I’m growing up.
9 Rejoice, young man, during your childhood, and let your heart be pleasant during the days of young manhood. And follow the impulses of your heart and the desires of your eyes. Yet know that God will bring you to judgment for all these things. 10 So, remove grief and anger from your heart and put away pain from your body, because childhood and the prime of life are fleeting.
Ecclesiastes 11:9-10
Sorry i’ve been ignoring you. A post is coming.
How is it possible
that at this moment in my life, i am at my happiest.
I am having the most fun, i am feeling the most welcomed, I’m being the most involved, I’m having the best time.
but all the while, I am filled with the most anxiety, heartbreak, confusion, loneliness, and almost at my lowest.
Things arent that bad really. whenever I look forward to the future is when I get flustered. I feel like there are so many things that I need to address, or prepare for, and I simply am not.
Do I risk a life of uncertainty, going into the music field? Hoping to be picked up, working on very little money, and maybe working at a studio? but with all of those maybe’s, i could make it big. be famous. be successful.
Or do i go into a career in broadcasting? work at a station, have a steady paycheck, but have to worry about deadlines and bosses and FCC regulations. Work odd hours, and not have a comfortable income to raise a family on.
Or do I go home. Go home and farm. Live with my buddy John in his big house, until i get a place of my own. Work on the farm with my dad and cousin. Have a good paycheck, a really good one. Work my own hours, but work often. Have a clean soul and dirty hands. Eventually have my own big farmhouse, and hopefully fill it with a family.
work the rest of my years on my own terms once my dad is done, and my cousin is done. and then be able to pay for my children’s dreams. Maybe they will become rock stars.
In the end, i dont know what im doing with my life.
Relevant
This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don’t.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don’t mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don’t mean a thing to me.
I spent two weeks in Silver lake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks,
And she was beautiful but she didn’t mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she was beautiful but she didn’t mean a thing to me.
I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
All the playful misspellings
and every bite I gave you left a mark
Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn’t want to fade
But they did, and so did I that day
All I see are dark Grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask “Is something wrong?”
I think “You’re damn right there is but we can’t talk about it now.
No, we can’t talk about it now.”
So one last touch and then you’ll go
And we’ll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
and you are beautiful but you don’t mean a thing to me
yeah you are beautiful but you don’t mean a thing to me
-Tiny Vessels
NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY
